“
A ONE
And a
TWO
And a
THREE:
I was born,
suspended in the air,
before landing on the soft
bed in a yellow room.
Mother named me
after some bloodshot-eyed
bleach blonde-haired
druggy best, best, best friend.
Father named me
after QUEEN BRAVE, STRONG,
and Lonely—
proud, stubborn, steadfast.
And yes, I really did enter the world
with wide, open eyes.
I thought so before I wrote it,
and I realized it was true.
MAMAN always said,
“Your eyes were so big and open
and you just stared at me.”
THE TWO BIG
OPEN
BLACK
HOLES
WIDE AND SEARCHING
When I see a baby with eyes like mine
and I think real hard and stare at her
and wonder what changed the world
to make this small person exist
(Because…when does Ego come home?)
her little fingers, all small and wrinkly,
very skinny, little curled-up branches
open and stretch and ball up into
fighting fists.
With open eyes, do you think I was always
aware?
And when I think that I, too would like
to be spared the exhausting burden of
Constantly asking of oneself DO I DARE?
Do I ever.
Then, yes. I can imagine the better of
dragging myself along the sand, the sea,
the salt.
YOU SOUND LIKE YOU’RE AT A CONSTANT
BATTLE WITH YOURSELF
And when my eyes open now,
It’s not with a burst, the way the door
Swings wide with surprise and the arrival
of good news
…but with a slow creaking.
The tired pulls of drapes,
of which there seem to be no end,
rubbing that lasts for days,
arresting flashes of light that interrupt and violate.
What is the reason behind this seeking?
because I am always seeking, and searching,
because I always see an old store with mahogany wood
cabinets, old card catalogs, overflowing piles of
documents, files, folders, photographs,
Because with eyes closed, and thoughts lost,
I return to an unknown room where dust
is a permanent squatter, and any answers
being sought after hide.
Sneaky, little bastards.
I will find you, and thank you
for our long, fun game of cache-cache.
I will shake your hands, share with you
my delight in knowing such
good competitive sports.
And then beg you to reveal yourselves,
Your true selves.
My true self.
— Fugue State
